I changed my mind

TW// Suicide

This is what my depression looked like.

It bound me, throttled me, crippled me. Sometimes, I couldn’t move. When I could, I was drugged with so many beater blockers, I had to be chaperoned because I couldn’t react fast enough to environmental dangers like crossing roads. The darkest days were those when my inner voice told me to destroy myself. There were many dark days.

On two occasions the voice took me to the edge; on both occasions, I chose to stay, I chose life. Just by a fraction, just enough, I changed my mind. I’ve been changing it ever since. 

A week ago, I summoned my inner judge as part of my Positive Intelligence training. More than a cursory recognition of an inner voice or simple visualisation, this was a physical, visceral manifestation, its insidious darkness taking over my breathing, posture and expressions. I’ve spent the week reimagining its control and observing it when it emerged. When he emerged. And I’ve learnt to control him, switching quickly into a calmer, safer sage mind. 

And so, with this progress in hand, I feel strong enough to share this manifestation too. I photographed it for me, and I also want to share it with you so that you can anticipate how depilating depression can be by seeing it, safe in the knowledge of how powerfully it contrasts with my life now. 

Raising money for @calmzone frontline professions to be available to intervene in a moment of crisis is one primary objective for this run. It must save lives. As well, I believe that by forging connections, to ourselves and others, to nature, to daily practices, we can change our minds, from dark, difficult and precarious paths to lighter, happier and safer ones.

Join me for a run or make a donation (please). 

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